Today was hard. The last few weeks have been hard.
I'm not one to post about my personal life, although sharing the ups and downs of pregnancy is pretty personal. But I mean the really deep stuff, like the life...and the death.
My Dad has been battling Parkinson's for many years now. And while it's been a struggle for a few years, this year has really taken its toll. It's proved that even the strongest men can't always win the battle. Sadly, its a disease that truly takes away some of the simplest joys that many of us overlook. The ability to carry on a conversation or enjoying your favorite foods, the things we all take for granted. It's been a rough few months watching my father lose his ability to swallow, to talk, to move around on his own. He has always been a strong man, an athletic man, and witnessing those things falter has been emotionally draining. And while I feel drained, I can only imagine how he feels. It breaks my heart to know he has so much to say, so much to express, but his mind and body don't necessarily allow it. I feel his frustrations and his pain through his eyes. Those sparkly blue eyes with the endless crinkles from all the laughs, they're slowly beginning to fade. And its devastating.
Today we made the decision to transition to hospice and it was hard. Really hard. The comfort I have from this decision is knowing that we're doing what he wants, what he requested many years ago. And while I know he hasn't lost the battle yet, I'm realistic enough to know his days are limited and I need to savor all of our moments together. We tell him stories of the good 'ol days and the smiles we get in return are what get me through the tough moments. But nothing will ever make this easier, nothing can prepare you for the finals weeks or days.
I wish I could say there was a purpose to this post- a message of hope but in reality it's simply my way of coping. Typing without reading what I'm saying is sometimes cathartic. So I'll leave you with this- enjoy every moment with your loved ones, I know we all say it but actually doing it is the important part. Cherish the good moments, forgive the bad ones and love unconditionally. It isn't always easy but it's always worth it.