Friday, January 9, 2015

Chasing Neverland...

They say with every year you age, the wiser you get. I feel like my wisdom has grown more in the last 3 days than it has in the last 5 years. Funny how life's critical moments can make you see things from a completely different perspective. I have a sneaky feeling this year will be an unprecedented year of growth in my life. It will be filled with plenty of huge learning curves and undoubtedly a significant amount of challenging times but also a staggering amount of exceptionally joyous times.

But for now, where do I begin to express my current emotions? My Dad is gone. Just typing that was progress for me. I may have erased it 3 or 4...or 17 times in hopes it wasn't true but then reality reared its ugly head and made me type it again, and again, and again before I accepted the truth. So he is gone, physically speaking, of course. I'm well aware that his spirit, his love, his strength- all of those crazy awesome attributes he had, live on in me. But sometimes the physically gone part just really sucks. There aren't any more warm hugs to be felt, belly aching laughs to be heard, or crinkly eyed smiles to be seen...and damn does that suck.

Sleeping has been a mission for months due to lovely pregnancy symptoms but now it's some what impossible. It's insane how many memories flood your mind in the wee morning hours. Four AM rolls around and all I can do is think about my childhood and the awesome memories Dad and I shared. I remember how he used to "fly" me around the room before bed and tell me I was just like Wendy from Peter Pan and he'd tell me the sooner I fell asleep, the quicker my dreams would take me to Neverland. And yes, that story is true- my Dad made parts of my life feel like they were taken right out of a storybook. And yes, I am forever grateful for those moments, those one in a lifetime memories. What I wouldn't give to be flown around my room now, although I'm pretty sure the extra 90ish pounds would make that quite difficult and absolutely hilarious to watch.

While losing my Dad has been far from easy I think I have been able to accept his death due to the overwhelming comfort I feel knowing he's not in pain or suffering anymore. The difficult part I'm facing now is the fear of forgetting the stories, the laughs, the struggles, the little moments that made our 28 years together...(insert perfect word here). Seriously, how can someone come up with one single word to sum up such a significant relationship like a Daddy-daughter duo? But back to the topic at hand- how do I overcome that fear of forgetting? A wise woman once told me (actually she literally just told me 15 minutes ago) to start writing down the stories people share in the coming days and weeks, write down the memories I can recall. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I know I won't recall everything but at least when I feel like I'm forgetting I can go back and look through my random scribbles (aka ridiculously neat because I'm far too anal for a notebook full of messy writing) and remember bits and pieces of our exceptional (and not so exceptional) times together. I'm a firm believer in remembering the not so good moments helps you realize how powerful the best ones are.

I read another blog a few weeks back and it talked about how easy it is for people to sit down and spill their souls about all the hard times we face but then when we sit down and try to tell about the happy times, we're at a loss of words. I find that to be so true. When life's craziness is in full force I feel like I have so much to say but when life is full of goodness and smothered in joy- words seem impossible to type. So my goal for this year of growth is to process the wonderful moments and  share them. Don't get me wrong, I'll share the not so wonderful times too, mainly as an outlet to release my frustrations but I so want to share the best times. 

I think I've been typing this blog for the last 2.5 hours and I still feel like I'm missing so much. I have too many words scrambled in my head just waiting to be vomited on a page. But for now, I'll spare you. Tune in next time (aka probably later today) for Landon's weekly dose of belly growing happiness. 

And I'll leave you with a silly quote someone shared with me when remembering my Dad. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come after our service on Sunday...

"I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool."

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