Have you ever watched something that triggers a memory so vividly it hurts?
Tonight I watched one of my favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy. Now I'm sure the majority of you know how terrible the last episode was based off the sheer fact that it almost broke the internet. It was a gut wrenching ending for a main character. It was painful and sad and infuriating all in one. I hated it. But what I'm hating most is how it's making my feel over an hour later. It was watching this beloved character take his last breathe that did me in. Now I can't close my eyes without seeing my Dad taking his last breathe. I can't sit here typing without crocodile tears hitting the keyboard. My insides feel like they're shaking. My heart feels like its trembling. And it all happened from a silly tv show.
It's crazy to me how something so simple can evoke so much emotion. For a few minutes I felt totally lost. I was lying in bed with my boys surrounding me but in those moments I was so far from home. I think of my Dad often but it's always the good memories. The laughable stories. I try to avoid thinking of our last moments together. It's bittersweet. He was there for my first breathe and I was there for his last. It's painfully beautiful.
Right now all I want to do is pick up Landon and squeeze him till this belly ache goes away and this lump in my throat subsides, but he's sleeping so peacefully and I can't disturb my little angel. So instead I keep staring at a single picture. For now he has his Pop Pop's eyes and I pray every day hoping they don't change. They're the most beautiful blue and when I look at them, I feel like I'm looking into my Daddy's soul.