One year later...

One year ago today my world was flipped upside down with a single text message.

I read that message over and over again in complete disbelief. I had a full-blown panic attack while driving shortly after reading that message. I've gotten over many things in the last year but I'm fairly certain it will take me a lot longer to get over the fact that my 9 year relationship and marriage was ended via a fucking text message. Cowardly move but hey, at least it's a shock and awe story to tell. haha

The last year has been an absolute whirlwind. I've never imagined dealing with so many emotions, so much pain, so much fear, and so many freakin tears. Honestly, they were endless and it was really annoying.

I can't say any of that is completely gone but in the last month, I have felt a shift in myself. I feel lighter, even though I've happily gained some weight 😜. My mindset has shifted. I approach each day with more gratitude and mindfulness. I'm learning to let go of anger and resentment. Talking to different people has allowed me to see different perspectives and approach life with a new demeanor. And time has helped me heal the parts of me that were completely shattered.

I won't pretend that every day is great but lately I have been feeling genuine happiness and that brings the sweetest relief.

A huge part of me still deals with the emotional baggage of feeling like I can never romantically trust someone again. I still feel like we (me and the kids) were in a sense abandoned, and learning to move past those emotions is going to take a lot more time.

I had it set in my mind that I was going to go back to work as soon as I graduated from school in August...but then I put it off a month, then another month, and eventually the rest of the year. Now looking back, I'm so thankful I did. I've applied for tons of jobs since the beginning of January and I have been rejected from the majority of them minus this last one I interviewed for (fingers crossed this yields better results). Had these rejections come in the fall, it would have been a huge blow to my mental health. I wasn't strong enough then. But now, I'm proud of the steps I've taken to learn to protect my mental health. Don't get me wrong, the rejection emails certainly didn't feel good BUT now I have the ability to say "hey, it's ok...it wasn't meant to be and something better is on the horizon". Growth!

There are times I still can't believe this is how my life is. Every now and then I'll throw myself a pity party. I still feel the occasional sting of embarrassment when I say I'm divorced. Maybe more time will help all of that subside but overall, I'm learning to become thankful for this experience. I'm realizing my worth. I'm beginning to understand that I deserve so much better than the marriage I was in. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I think I'm beginning to agree. I don't hate the man I was with and I appreciate many memories and obviously my incredible children, but I haven't learned how to forgive him yet. Some days I think I have and then something simple happens and I'm reminded that I'm not there yet and I'm coming to terms with being ok with that. I'll get there one day and I'll keep working on it until I reach that point but right now my only concern is protecting my mental health, my heart, and my babies.

I know this year might be just as hard as the last. I know I still have plenty of changes coming my way. But I also know I am capable of handling it all...with a little help from my incredible family and friends. 💗 To those of you who have reached out to me over the last year, from the bottom of my heart-- THANK YOU!

So here I am, a year later, finally feeling like I'm finding myself again, most days my head is completely above water and I don't feel like I'm drowning. Last year I said my word of the year would be 'discover' and while I didn't live up to my original definition and spin on the word, I can happily say I discovered my strength.

I survived...

It's no secret that this year has been the most difficult of my life. It will be a year I remember for the rest of my life. The year I survived. I didn't thrive. I didn't crush goals. To be honest, I didn't do much of anything but I survived.

A friend posted something recently that said something along the lines of "depression isn't just feeling sad...it feels like exhaustion, irritability, no motivation, no desire to do things I love...it's so much more than just being sad." It spoke to me more than I care to admit because it describes how I've felt for the last 10 months. I go to sleep most nights thinking of all the things I'm going to do the next day,  errands, activities with the kids, dinner ideas, finishing my resume, applying for jobs...the list is endless. Then I wake up the next day and can barely get through one thing let alone the whole list I had in my head. Sometimes it's fear that stops me. Fear of applying for jobs and getting no calls back because of being away from the working world for 5 years. Fear of the new beginning of working full time and raising two kids on my own. Other days it's pure exhaustion. I physically feel like I can't do anything but take my kid to school and keep the tiny one alive for the remainder of the day. But most days it's the lack of motivation. I've never felt so far removed from myself than I have in the last year.  I have little desire to do much. When I do get up and go, I feel fine and I enjoy being out, laughing and carrying on but the motivation to get to that point...it's hardly ever present.

Going into the new year, I know I NEED to make positive changes in my life. I've known for months I need to make changes but I've let things get the best of me and didn't make my health a priority. I focused on my kids far more than I focused on myself. I give myself grace for that because I just wasn't in the right headspace to work on me. But it's time to put me at the forefront of change and become a priority. So here's how I'd like to do that...

Physically, I am the unhealthiest I have ever been. In 10 months I have lost a minimum of fifteen pounds, it's honestly more like twenty but I absolutely hate admitting that. I am by far the skinniest I have ever been in my life and beyond unhappy about it. I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and critiquing myself so harshly. And while I hear from many people that I shouldn't complain because I'm skinny, it's frustrating because I don't WANT to be this skinny. I feel like I look sick. It isn't healthy. It isn't something to be proud of. Some of this is my own fault because I haven't made my "diet" a priority. And by diet I mean my regular consumption of food...don't get carried away, people. But to be fair to me, a lot of the weight loss has been due to stress and an inability to keep things in my system. This happened in nursing school as well, stress causes so many GI issues with me and it makes it difficult for me to eat without experiencing extreme discomfort. It waxes and wanes on how often I get these horrible belly aches but it's almost always provoked by high-stress situations. Not sure what I could have been stressed about this year? haha So my physical goals for 2020: Gain 10-15 pounds. Putting on weight has always been hard for me but it needs to be a priority. Find my way back into fitness. Ideally, I would like to work out 4-5 times per week. This doesn't necessarily mean following a program every week but also including hiking, biking, and other outdoor activities that get me going.

Mentally, I'm still learning to focus my energy back into positive thoughts. I was seeing a therapist for a few months but stopped when the holidays came around. Quite possibly one of my worst decisions because I feel like the holidays have brought up so many emotional moments for me and it would have been beneficial to continue talking through them. So I think I will be returning to see her very soon. I also find myself questioning and doubting so many things. I used to think I was a good judge of character. Now I laugh at that thought because I was with someone for 9 years and realize I did not know them at all. The person is unrecognizable to me and I question just about everything because of it. I fully realize I can not control how quickly someone moves on but it makes me question whether what we had was even real. I guess because I can't even imagine dating someone or sharing parts of my life again, it just makes it difficult for me to think he's able to do that already. But I suppose we all process things differently. What I find the most frightening is my inability to even think about trusting someone in my life. Maybe it's just because I am not ready for any type of relationship but I have this huge fear that I will push away anyone who even attempts to get close to me because I will find it extremely difficult to ever trust someone like that again. But as usual, I'm thinking far too much into the future instead of focusing on now. Recently someone described me as being very intentional and it was a huge compliment for me. I truly have tried to be intentional in my actions, words, and responses with people. One aspect I have been lacking when it comes to intentions is my thoughts on my life, my mental state, how I see myself progressing, learning and growing. With that being said my mental goals for 2020: first, I would like to begin with a goal to add (at least) one positive thing that happened during the week to our family memory jar. Evie girl is obviously a little young for this and barely speaks but I think it will be so wonderful for Landon and me to fill this jar up each week and then come together at the end of next year and read all the beautiful moments we experienced. Plus if it's a success I can continue implementing it for years to come. I found this one on amazon that I love: Memory Jar. My second is to deepen my thoughts and begin to focus on self-exploration more. I found this journal that I'm considering ordering and I'd like to try and write in it at least 5 times a week. It looks really beautiful and chock full of meaningful quotes and inspirational messages which is definitely something I need. Check it out here: Start Where You Are.

Emotionally, I'm a basket case. I'd say the biggest thing I am trying to grasp is not allowing one person to have such control over my emotional state. I am slowly learning to let go of the disappointment I feel toward certain issues that do not involve me. I'm learning that I have no control over how relationships will develop and I can't force certain ones to happen. It isn't my responsibility to make certain things a priority in someone else's life and I need to let go of the guilt I feel when these things don't happen. So much easier said than done. One way I can focus on my own emotional state is to begin each day with a grateful heart, so my emotional goal for 2020: starting each day cultivating positive thoughts and using a Gratitude Journal. I would like to get into the habit of waking up before my kids and taking just a few minutes to focus my thoughts and jot down a few things I'm grateful for. Perhaps this sounds silly but I think this will be such a positive way to start my day and allow me to redirect my current feelings of exhaustion, irritability, and lack of motivation.

I have many other goals for 2020, like reading at least one book a month, traveling somewhere new, stop procrastinating (hahaha this will never happen), meet new people, find a fulfilling job, earn more money, save more money, pay off loans (ugh school loans start being paid this year), find a fun hobby, find a babysitter I trust, and the list goes on...

The biggest goal for 2020: find happiness in the smallest moments and appreciate the joy in the moments of sorrow.

Questioning...

There are times I wish I could be completely transparent but the reality is, that would only benefit me while hurting others. So I put on the brave face, the one that says it's all ok, but I feel far from it. This isn't an everyday situation but the things that trigger it make me feel like I'm taking 20 steps back from any progression I've made in the last eight months.

How many times do I have to hear that I need to let go of being disappointed by one person time and time again before it sinks in? How many times do I have to tell myself that someone else shouldn't dictate my emotions? How many times do I have to remind myself of everything I have to be grateful for?

We hear the phrase "you choose your attitude"...or your happiness...or your mindset...or your perspective...

And I get it, if you want to be happy, then make yourself happy, but shit, can't we all admit that sometimes that's fucking hard to do. I didn't wake up feeling like this but over the course of the morning, things happened that brought me down. I realize I have the power to change it but I would be lying if I said it's an easy task.

Little moments, insignificant comments, the smallest actions...so many things make me question a huge part of my life. And today I feel like the last nine years of my life was a lie. Irrational? Yes. But it's still the feeling that is overwhelming my body in this given moment. 

So while my brain is fully aware of the stages of grief and the fact that there is no timeline for each stage, you may visit some more than once, and you may stay in some longer than you'd like...I just wish I could be in the acceptance stage and get over it. Move on. Stop dwelling. 

And so I put on a shirt and will myself to believe it. Today it isn't working but maybe tomorrow it will.

But what if...

It’s crazy how a single off hand comment can immediately change the majority of your thoughts. How you can think you want something so bad, for the sake of someone else, but then feel completely gutted if it were to actually come to fruition.

Nothing has changed but for some reason a single comment made me reel with overwhelming emotions. Once again, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve been told time and time again to live in the moment, don’t stress about the future that hasn’t happened, what I’m stressing about may not even  happen, and the list goes on. But what if...

Truth is, I feel like if I don’t mentally prepare myself, when (if) the time comes I’ll fall apart.

Lately I have felt ok, not wonderful, but not terrible. I don’t feel overwhelmingly sad on a daily basis anymore and for that I am so thankful. Someone recently compared their life to groundhogs day, saying it’s the same, day in and day out, and that’s exactly how I feel. Like I’m stuck in a rut but instead of actively trying to get out of it, I just stay here. I stay in the stillness and monotony because I’m afraid of what’s next.

There are things I know I should do. I think they would improve my life, my feelings, my overall health...yet I don’t do them.

I wish I could come up with some good reason but the truth is, it would just be another excuse. So perhaps this is some form of self sabotage. Perhaps this is still mild depression that hasn’t left me yet. Perhaps it’s just all in my head tonight because of a single comment that derailed me.

Or perhaps it’s all of that.

Dissolution

Today has been an exceptionally hard day.

Starting with Landon having meltdown after meltdown this morning, being extremely aggressive, and not listening to a single word I said. Maintaining patience in these moments is difficult and necessary as I am fully aware yelling does nothing to get my point across to him but it takes every bone in my body to stay level headed in these moments.

After I dropped him off at school I thought I'd feel relieved but it didn't happen. Instead, I felt so off. I felt sad. I felt like I could have done something different to diffuse the bomb. I second-guessed my parenting. I wanted to go back to his school and make sure he was ok. But I just knew in my gut, today wasn't a great day.

Not even an hour later I got the email I've been dreading. I've known for awhile it was coming soon but I can honestly say, nothing prepared me for how I felt reading it.

"Good Morning, Meagan. Attached, please find the Decree of Dissolution of Marriage executed by the Court. This is the document that officially dissolves the marriage."

And just like that my world came crumbling down around me. The tears wouldn't stop. The pain in my chest got bigger and bigger with every breathe I took.

Some people feel relief when they finally reach the end. Some people want to party and celebrate their "freedom". I understand everyone responds differently, every situation is different. For me, it has ignited nothing but pure devastation down to my core. I don't feel relieved, I feel heartbroken, again. I don't want to party, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to think about it yet it's all-consuming.

The last six months have been the hardest of my life. I have not been shy to admit that I have been dealing with anxiety and depression. I am not ashamed of it because it just shows me how real this love was. At first, I was slightly embarrassed to say I was going through a divorce because it meant I failed. I have come to terms with things and know that if it were up to me I would have fought so much harder but two people need to be willing to fight for it. Two people need to WANT to make it work and I was on a one-way street on my own.

And while the pain is real and raw, I know I am worth so much more. I deserve a person who will never give up on me, on us. I deserve someone who will give me and my babies the world, not monetary, but the most precious and valuable thing of all- TIME. When it comes down to it, I AM WORTHY. Worthy of so much more.

This transition has been exhausting. Being a single parent isn't for the faint of heart. I am so thankful I have had so many people helping me but it doesn't diminish this pain.

So, for now, I will try my very best to appreciate the good times as much as I possibly can. I'll remember the people who walk away were never intended to stay. And it's ok that it hurts like hell right now, one day it won't. I will keep waiting for that one day.

Truth

Here's the truth-- I'm not ok.

I've spent the last few weeks in a place that feels so far from who I am. I go through the necessary motions to get through the day but often times I feel completely paralyzed. I sit on the couch watching my sweet girl learn something new, maybe it's clapping or waving hi or simply finding a new toy to marvel at, those beautiful moments that I try hard not to overlook, and I am fighting back tears. Not tears of joy. Not tears of "holy crap I made that beautiful child". Tears of pure devastation. Sadness. Pain. Anger. Frustration.

I choke back tears every single day. Everyone tells me it will get better, you'll move on, you'll be happy...the list goes on and on. I know all of this. I believe all of this. But right now, it's not better. I haven't moved on. And I'm sad. I'm fearful. I'm overwhelmed. I'm mad. I'm so many things but ok is not one of them.

Every email from my lawyer, every phone call, every instance I have to wrap my head around this being so real...it's paralyzing. I feel anxious every time I see something in regards to it. A few weeks ago I went to our first court hearing, I was told it wasn't a big deal, nothing to be scared of. They were correct, we were in and out in 10 minutes. But it was far from easy. It was reality smacking me in the face and saying 'honey, this ain't going away'. For those 10 minutes, I held my breath and begged myself not to lose it in front of everyone. I pleaded with my body to just keep it together for 30 more seconds, one more minute, as my hands trembled uncontrollably and shivers ran up and down my body making me shake ever so slightly. I cried the entire way home and only felt calm when I was able to snuggle my sweet girl and pick up my favorite boy and squeeze them until my heart felt somewhat whole again.

I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt about their future. How will they feel about this years from now? What will their relationship be like with him? Will they be resentful of this happening? Will they understand the pain I went through thinking of them? I don't want them to know that pain. I want them to understand it was hard but also know they are the reason I was able to get through it.

A few months ago I was taking the high road and talking about the self-discovery I'd make in 2019 but the reality is, I'm just getting by one step at a time. I don't want to live in this sadness because it's far from who I am. I'm an optimistic person who craves love and light and happiness and I'm so ready to be back there but I know in my heart it's going to take more time.

And please know, I don't write this for pity or sympathy, this is my outlet to release some of these pent up emotions. It's my way of sharing my authentic self. And because I know some of the people who read this will be concerned, also know I've seen a therapist and as soon as my Mama gets back in town I have an appointment to see her again. Because mental health is important and fuck the stigma of being embarrassed about needing or wanting help. I'm empowered by people who can openly say, this isn't me, I want to be and feel better, and then finding the resources to make a change.

So for those of you who may ask, "hey, how ya feeling today?"...be prepared for me to skip over the "doing ok" answer and giving you the nitty gritty, real, and raw truth. <3

The struggle is real.

This week has been hard. I'm not really sure why it's been so difficult for me but it has. It's the first time during all of life's craziness that I've actually felt depressed. I don't have the option to stay in bed and sulk but if I did, it very well might have happened. Instead, I've drudged through the days. I have been counting down the hours to bedtime. If I'm being perfectly honest, the tiny humans that I adore have been driving me crazy but I'm fully realizing it's not them...it's me. My mindset is so off and I can't shake it. Everything makes me want to cry or scream. The simplest things bring on tears. I feel like I've been doing so well and then I hit this wall and it's throwing me.

In the grand scheme of things, I know my problems are minuscule and others have it far worse than me...and realizing this just makes me feel guilty for sulking over nonsense. I'm learning to understand that often times there will always be someone in a worse position but that doesn't mean I can't be sad or hurt or whatever feeling I'm going through at that given time.

What I've had a hard time accepting is putting on a face for my kids. I know it's important for them to see real raw emotions and they do BUT when it comes time to interact with their Dad, I feel it's really important to have a positive relationship. So I put on a happy face and try to make it easy for all involved. It isn't easy. In fact, the days we interact as a 'family' are the days I want to crawl in bed immediately after putting E to bed because I feel so drained. My head knows this divorce thing is probably for the best but my heart hasn't caught up. I saw a quote the other day that broke me a little bit more..."Whoever loves you will never leave you, even if they have 100 reasons to give up. They will always find one reason to hold on" 

Accepting there wasn't even one reason for him to hold on...that hurts.

I was told I need to let go of the way I thought life would be. I need to let go of who I thought he would be, as a father, husband, partner. I need to let go of a lot of things but that is easier said than done.

Normally, I find a way to end things on a positive note but this time I'm just sad. I know it's ok to not be ok but here's the deal...I don't want to feel "not ok". I don't want to be this shell of a person. I don't want to feel overwhelmingly frustrated when my kid spills a drink. I don't want to cry when the nugget refuses to nap. I don't want to get mad at my sweet boy just because I can't cope with my own feelings. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy all the little moments with them and I feel like this week I haven't been able to do that. This week I'm struggling.