This week has been hard. I'm not really sure why it's been so difficult for me but it has. It's the first time during all of life's craziness that I've actually felt depressed. I don't have the option to stay in bed and sulk but if I did, it very well might have happened. Instead, I've drudged through the days. I have been counting down the hours to bedtime. If I'm being perfectly honest, the tiny humans that I adore have been driving me crazy but I'm fully realizing it's not them...it's me. My mindset is so off and I can't shake it. Everything makes me want to cry or scream. The simplest things bring on tears. I feel like I've been doing so well and then I hit this wall and it's throwing me.
In the grand scheme of things, I know my problems are minuscule and others have it far worse than me...and realizing this just makes me feel guilty for sulking over nonsense. I'm learning to understand that often times there will always be someone in a worse position but that doesn't mean I can't be sad or hurt or whatever feeling I'm going through at that given time.
What I've had a hard time accepting is putting on a face for my kids. I know it's important for them to see real raw emotions and they do BUT when it comes time to interact with their Dad, I feel it's really important to have a positive relationship. So I put on a happy face and try to make it easy for all involved. It isn't easy. In fact, the days we interact as a 'family' are the days I want to crawl in bed immediately after putting E to bed because I feel so drained. My head knows this divorce thing is probably for the best but my heart hasn't caught up. I saw a quote the other day that broke me a little bit more..."Whoever loves you will never leave you, even if they have 100 reasons to give up. They will always find one reason to hold on"
Accepting there wasn't even one reason for him to hold on...that hurts.
I was told I need to let go of the way I thought life would be. I need to let go of who I thought he would be, as a father, husband, partner. I need to let go of a lot of things but that is easier said than done.
Normally, I find a way to end things on a positive note but this time I'm just sad. I know it's ok to not be ok but here's the deal...I don't want to feel "not ok". I don't want to be this shell of a person. I don't want to feel overwhelmingly frustrated when my kid spills a drink. I don't want to cry when the nugget refuses to nap. I don't want to get mad at my sweet boy just because I can't cope with my own feelings. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy all the little moments with them and I feel like this week I haven't been able to do that. This week I'm struggling.
