Starting with Landon having meltdown after meltdown this morning, being extremely aggressive, and not listening to a single word I said. Maintaining patience in these moments is difficult and necessary as I am fully aware yelling does nothing to get my point across to him but it takes every bone in my body to stay level headed in these moments.
After I dropped him off at school I thought I'd feel relieved but it didn't happen. Instead, I felt so off. I felt sad. I felt like I could have done something different to diffuse the bomb. I second-guessed my parenting. I wanted to go back to his school and make sure he was ok. But I just knew in my gut, today wasn't a great day.
Not even an hour later I got the email I've been dreading. I've known for awhile it was coming soon but I can honestly say, nothing prepared me for how I felt reading it.
"Good Morning, Meagan. Attached, please find the Decree of Dissolution of Marriage executed by the Court. This is the document that officially dissolves the marriage."
And just like that my world came crumbling down around me. The tears wouldn't stop. The pain in my chest got bigger and bigger with every breathe I took.
Some people feel relief when they finally reach the end. Some people want to party and celebrate their "freedom". I understand everyone responds differently, every situation is different. For me, it has ignited nothing but pure devastation down to my core. I don't feel relieved, I feel heartbroken, again. I don't want to party, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to think about it yet it's all-consuming.
The last six months have been the hardest of my life. I have not been shy to admit that I have been dealing with anxiety and depression. I am not ashamed of it because it just shows me how real this love was. At first, I was slightly embarrassed to say I was going through a divorce because it meant I failed. I have come to terms with things and know that if it were up to me I would have fought so much harder but two people need to be willing to fight for it. Two people need to WANT to make it work and I was on a one-way street on my own.
And while the pain is real and raw, I know I am worth so much more. I deserve a person who will never give up on me, on us. I deserve someone who will give me and my babies the world, not monetary, but the most precious and valuable thing of all- TIME. When it comes down to it, I AM WORTHY. Worthy of so much more.
This transition has been exhausting. Being a single parent isn't for the faint of heart. I am so thankful I have had so many people helping me but it doesn't diminish this pain.
So, for now, I will try my very best to appreciate the good times as much as I possibly can. I'll remember the people who walk away were never intended to stay. And it's ok that it hurts like hell right now, one day it won't. I will keep waiting for that one day.
