A friend posted something recently that said something along the lines of "depression isn't just feeling sad...it feels like exhaustion, irritability, no motivation, no desire to do things I love...it's so much more than just being sad." It spoke to me more than I care to admit because it describes how I've felt for the last 10 months. I go to sleep most nights thinking of all the things I'm going to do the next day, errands, activities with the kids, dinner ideas, finishing my resume, applying for jobs...the list is endless. Then I wake up the next day and can barely get through one thing let alone the whole list I had in my head. Sometimes it's fear that stops me. Fear of applying for jobs and getting no calls back because of being away from the working world for 5 years. Fear of the new beginning of working full time and raising two kids on my own. Other days it's pure exhaustion. I physically feel like I can't do anything but take my kid to school and keep the tiny one alive for the remainder of the day. But most days it's the lack of motivation. I've never felt so far removed from myself than I have in the last year. I have little desire to do much. When I do get up and go, I feel fine and I enjoy being out, laughing and carrying on but the motivation to get to that point...it's hardly ever present.
Going into the new year, I know I NEED to make positive changes in my life. I've known for months I need to make changes but I've let things get the best of me and didn't make my health a priority. I focused on my kids far more than I focused on myself. I give myself grace for that because I just wasn't in the right headspace to work on me. But it's time to put me at the forefront of change and become a priority. So here's how I'd like to do that...
Physically, I am the unhealthiest I have ever been. In 10 months I have lost a minimum of fifteen pounds, it's honestly more like twenty but I absolutely hate admitting that. I am by far the skinniest I have ever been in my life and beyond unhappy about it. I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and critiquing myself so harshly. And while I hear from many people that I shouldn't complain because I'm skinny, it's frustrating because I don't WANT to be this skinny. I feel like I look sick. It isn't healthy. It isn't something to be proud of. Some of this is my own fault because I haven't made my "diet" a priority. And by diet I mean my regular consumption of food...don't get carried away, people. But to be fair to me, a lot of the weight loss has been due to stress and an inability to keep things in my system. This happened in nursing school as well, stress causes so many GI issues with me and it makes it difficult for me to eat without experiencing extreme discomfort. It waxes and wanes on how often I get these horrible belly aches but it's almost always provoked by high-stress situations. Not sure what I could have been stressed about this year? haha So my physical goals for 2020: Gain 10-15 pounds. Putting on weight has always been hard for me but it needs to be a priority. Find my way back into fitness. Ideally, I would like to work out 4-5 times per week. This doesn't necessarily mean following a program every week but also including hiking, biking, and other outdoor activities that get me going.
Mentally, I'm still learning to focus my energy back into positive thoughts. I was seeing a therapist for a few months but stopped when the holidays came around. Quite possibly one of my worst decisions because I feel like the holidays have brought up so many emotional moments for me and it would have been beneficial to continue talking through them. So I think I will be returning to see her very soon. I also find myself questioning and doubting so many things. I used to think I was a good judge of character. Now I laugh at that thought because I was with someone for 9 years and realize I did not know them at all. The person is unrecognizable to me and I question just about everything because of it. I fully realize I can not control how quickly someone moves on but it makes me question whether what we had was even real. I guess because I can't even imagine dating someone or sharing parts of my life again, it just makes it difficult for me to think he's able to do that already. But I suppose we all process things differently. What I find the most frightening is my inability to even think about trusting someone in my life. Maybe it's just because I am not ready for any type of relationship but I have this huge fear that I will push away anyone who even attempts to get close to me because I will find it extremely difficult to ever trust someone like that again. But as usual, I'm thinking far too much into the future instead of focusing on now. Recently someone described me as being very intentional and it was a huge compliment for me. I truly have tried to be intentional in my actions, words, and responses with people. One aspect I have been lacking when it comes to intentions is my thoughts on my life, my mental state, how I see myself progressing, learning and growing. With that being said my mental goals for 2020: first, I would like to begin with a goal to add (at least) one positive thing that happened during the week to our family memory jar. Evie girl is obviously a little young for this and barely speaks but I think it will be so wonderful for Landon and me to fill this jar up each week and then come together at the end of next year and read all the beautiful moments we experienced. Plus if it's a success I can continue implementing it for years to come. I found this one on amazon that I love: Memory Jar. My second is to deepen my thoughts and begin to focus on self-exploration more. I found this journal that I'm considering ordering and I'd like to try and write in it at least 5 times a week. It looks really beautiful and chock full of meaningful quotes and inspirational messages which is definitely something I need. Check it out here: Start Where You Are.
Emotionally, I'm a basket case. I'd say the biggest thing I am trying to grasp is not allowing one person to have such control over my emotional state. I am slowly learning to let go of the disappointment I feel toward certain issues that do not involve me. I'm learning that I have no control over how relationships will develop and I can't force certain ones to happen. It isn't my responsibility to make certain things a priority in someone else's life and I need to let go of the guilt I feel when these things don't happen. So much easier said than done. One way I can focus on my own emotional state is to begin each day with a grateful heart, so my emotional goal for 2020: starting each day cultivating positive thoughts and using a Gratitude Journal. I would like to get into the habit of waking up before my kids and taking just a few minutes to focus my thoughts and jot down a few things I'm grateful for. Perhaps this sounds silly but I think this will be such a positive way to start my day and allow me to redirect my current feelings of exhaustion, irritability, and lack of motivation.
I have many other goals for 2020, like reading at least one book a month, traveling somewhere new, stop procrastinating (hahaha this will never happen), meet new people, find a fulfilling job, earn more money, save more money, pay off loans (ugh school loans start being paid this year), find a fun hobby, find a babysitter I trust, and the list goes on...
The biggest goal for 2020: find happiness in the smallest moments and appreciate the joy in the moments of sorrow.
