Taking it all in

I’m asked regularly how I’m doing. I suppose that’s the easiest question to ask someone when they’re going through a bunch of shit. Most of the time my reply is “I’m alright, doing the best I can considering the circumstances.” And most of the time that answer is true.

But some days I want to say I’m angry. Some days I want to say I’m terribly sad. Some days I want to say I’m beyond happy. Because the truth is, every single day I feel different. Some days I wake up so happy and by the end of the day it’s taking everything in me to hold back tears. I know that’s all normal and I know I have so many people that I can be brutally honest with and sometimes I am. But sometimes it’s just easier to say “I’m alright, doing the best I can considering the circumstances.”

Today I took a drive out to Breckenridge to pick up an art piece we ordered months ago. I think I cried 3/4 of the drive there, every song made my eyes fill up. It wasn’t necessarily all sad tears, although there were some, but more of a release of so many emotions. I’ve held it together lately but this drive, picking up a piece we’ve both been wanting for awhile, knowing only one of us will enjoy it— seems so silly but it just hurt my heart.

It didn’t help that I was completely alone with my thoughts and that usually stirs up a bunch of crazy emotions. Most of the time I have my babies with me and I try not to fall apart too much with them around because I want them to be filled with happiness and laughter and love as often as possible.

Today I decided to stop and take it all in. On top of my car, breathing in the fresh mountain air, taking in the beauty that surrounds me, I’m trying to remind myself that this life I’m living is the only one I got. It’s going to be hard some days and easy others but every single day it’s going to be exactly how it’s supposed to be. I’m trying so hard to let go of the ‘this is how life SHOULD be’ mentality and realize this is what my life IS so enjoy the hell out of it every chance I get. They say the hardest times bring you to the greatest joy. So I’m maintaining faith, it will all be worth it in the end.

Finding a new norm

It only took 6 days for my world to be turned completely upside down. 

At first it was surreal and I thought it would all go back to normal given a little bit of time. Things have been up and down but never ever did I think it was this down. We could fix this. We could work it all out and be better. But it didn't go back to normal and six days later I stood in a closet half empty.

My marriage is over. The life I’ve known for the last 9 years has quickly come to a screeching halt. 

It’s an odd feeling with you hit ‘rock bottom’ or at least what you think is rock bottom. Just a week before my 'rock bottom' we told my in-laws that our marriage was over. We had a trip to see them planned for months, it wasn't fair for them to lose the chance of meeting their newest grandbaby and spend time with my sweet boy. So I mustered up all my strength and went solo. Overall the trip was lovely, nothing changed as far as their love for me and vice versa and a huge weight was lifted off of me once I realized we were still family. But there was a moment when I was laying on the floor of their house after a shitty day, like legit both kiddos had diarrhea. L vomited everywhere, E was a cranky disaster and I was beyond exhausted, physically, mentally, & emotionally. This trip wasn’t supposed to be done solo but that’s what my reality turned into. So there I was laying on the floor, outside of the room I just put E to sleep in, she starts screaming almost immediately after getting her down. I’m on the floor outside the door incapable of moving. My head pounding, my heart racing and I was paralyzed with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of doing this day in and day out on my own. Fear of how my kids will respond to all of this. Fear of basically everything. And heartbroken. I barely got through the day, how in the hell will I get through what’s to come...

Here's the thing, I know I will (eventually) be ok. I know there will be ups and downs. I know I have a whole lot of shit to get through in the coming weeks, months, maybe even years but right now I just have to get through the days. Maybe the rock bottom I hit a few days ago was just a brief moment in time and I'll have a different meltdown another day. Maybe things will only go up from here. I guess time will tell...

For now, I will do everything in my power to make sure my babies are raised in a home with more love then they can imagine. I want them to have their safe place where they can tackle all the big emotions- happy, sad, mad, and everything in between. They will see me cry, they will know I'm hurting BUT overall they will see me pick myself up day in and day out and fill life with positivity and gratefulness. 

I’m choosing to try and find the best in every day. I’m trying to wake up with joy in my heart and let go of the fear in my stomach. 

For now, I will take it a day at a time and figure out a new normal.