I survived...

It's no secret that this year has been the most difficult of my life. It will be a year I remember for the rest of my life. The year I survived. I didn't thrive. I didn't crush goals. To be honest, I didn't do much of anything but I survived.

A friend posted something recently that said something along the lines of "depression isn't just feeling sad...it feels like exhaustion, irritability, no motivation, no desire to do things I love...it's so much more than just being sad." It spoke to me more than I care to admit because it describes how I've felt for the last 10 months. I go to sleep most nights thinking of all the things I'm going to do the next day,  errands, activities with the kids, dinner ideas, finishing my resume, applying for jobs...the list is endless. Then I wake up the next day and can barely get through one thing let alone the whole list I had in my head. Sometimes it's fear that stops me. Fear of applying for jobs and getting no calls back because of being away from the working world for 5 years. Fear of the new beginning of working full time and raising two kids on my own. Other days it's pure exhaustion. I physically feel like I can't do anything but take my kid to school and keep the tiny one alive for the remainder of the day. But most days it's the lack of motivation. I've never felt so far removed from myself than I have in the last year.  I have little desire to do much. When I do get up and go, I feel fine and I enjoy being out, laughing and carrying on but the motivation to get to that point...it's hardly ever present.

Going into the new year, I know I NEED to make positive changes in my life. I've known for months I need to make changes but I've let things get the best of me and didn't make my health a priority. I focused on my kids far more than I focused on myself. I give myself grace for that because I just wasn't in the right headspace to work on me. But it's time to put me at the forefront of change and become a priority. So here's how I'd like to do that...

Physically, I am the unhealthiest I have ever been. In 10 months I have lost a minimum of fifteen pounds, it's honestly more like twenty but I absolutely hate admitting that. I am by far the skinniest I have ever been in my life and beyond unhappy about it. I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and critiquing myself so harshly. And while I hear from many people that I shouldn't complain because I'm skinny, it's frustrating because I don't WANT to be this skinny. I feel like I look sick. It isn't healthy. It isn't something to be proud of. Some of this is my own fault because I haven't made my "diet" a priority. And by diet I mean my regular consumption of food...don't get carried away, people. But to be fair to me, a lot of the weight loss has been due to stress and an inability to keep things in my system. This happened in nursing school as well, stress causes so many GI issues with me and it makes it difficult for me to eat without experiencing extreme discomfort. It waxes and wanes on how often I get these horrible belly aches but it's almost always provoked by high-stress situations. Not sure what I could have been stressed about this year? haha So my physical goals for 2020: Gain 10-15 pounds. Putting on weight has always been hard for me but it needs to be a priority. Find my way back into fitness. Ideally, I would like to work out 4-5 times per week. This doesn't necessarily mean following a program every week but also including hiking, biking, and other outdoor activities that get me going.

Mentally, I'm still learning to focus my energy back into positive thoughts. I was seeing a therapist for a few months but stopped when the holidays came around. Quite possibly one of my worst decisions because I feel like the holidays have brought up so many emotional moments for me and it would have been beneficial to continue talking through them. So I think I will be returning to see her very soon. I also find myself questioning and doubting so many things. I used to think I was a good judge of character. Now I laugh at that thought because I was with someone for 9 years and realize I did not know them at all. The person is unrecognizable to me and I question just about everything because of it. I fully realize I can not control how quickly someone moves on but it makes me question whether what we had was even real. I guess because I can't even imagine dating someone or sharing parts of my life again, it just makes it difficult for me to think he's able to do that already. But I suppose we all process things differently. What I find the most frightening is my inability to even think about trusting someone in my life. Maybe it's just because I am not ready for any type of relationship but I have this huge fear that I will push away anyone who even attempts to get close to me because I will find it extremely difficult to ever trust someone like that again. But as usual, I'm thinking far too much into the future instead of focusing on now. Recently someone described me as being very intentional and it was a huge compliment for me. I truly have tried to be intentional in my actions, words, and responses with people. One aspect I have been lacking when it comes to intentions is my thoughts on my life, my mental state, how I see myself progressing, learning and growing. With that being said my mental goals for 2020: first, I would like to begin with a goal to add (at least) one positive thing that happened during the week to our family memory jar. Evie girl is obviously a little young for this and barely speaks but I think it will be so wonderful for Landon and me to fill this jar up each week and then come together at the end of next year and read all the beautiful moments we experienced. Plus if it's a success I can continue implementing it for years to come. I found this one on amazon that I love: Memory Jar. My second is to deepen my thoughts and begin to focus on self-exploration more. I found this journal that I'm considering ordering and I'd like to try and write in it at least 5 times a week. It looks really beautiful and chock full of meaningful quotes and inspirational messages which is definitely something I need. Check it out here: Start Where You Are.

Emotionally, I'm a basket case. I'd say the biggest thing I am trying to grasp is not allowing one person to have such control over my emotional state. I am slowly learning to let go of the disappointment I feel toward certain issues that do not involve me. I'm learning that I have no control over how relationships will develop and I can't force certain ones to happen. It isn't my responsibility to make certain things a priority in someone else's life and I need to let go of the guilt I feel when these things don't happen. So much easier said than done. One way I can focus on my own emotional state is to begin each day with a grateful heart, so my emotional goal for 2020: starting each day cultivating positive thoughts and using a Gratitude Journal. I would like to get into the habit of waking up before my kids and taking just a few minutes to focus my thoughts and jot down a few things I'm grateful for. Perhaps this sounds silly but I think this will be such a positive way to start my day and allow me to redirect my current feelings of exhaustion, irritability, and lack of motivation.

I have many other goals for 2020, like reading at least one book a month, traveling somewhere new, stop procrastinating (hahaha this will never happen), meet new people, find a fulfilling job, earn more money, save more money, pay off loans (ugh school loans start being paid this year), find a fun hobby, find a babysitter I trust, and the list goes on...

The biggest goal for 2020: find happiness in the smallest moments and appreciate the joy in the moments of sorrow.

Questioning...

There are times I wish I could be completely transparent but the reality is, that would only benefit me while hurting others. So I put on the brave face, the one that says it's all ok, but I feel far from it. This isn't an everyday situation but the things that trigger it make me feel like I'm taking 20 steps back from any progression I've made in the last eight months.

How many times do I have to hear that I need to let go of being disappointed by one person time and time again before it sinks in? How many times do I have to tell myself that someone else shouldn't dictate my emotions? How many times do I have to remind myself of everything I have to be grateful for?

We hear the phrase "you choose your attitude"...or your happiness...or your mindset...or your perspective...

And I get it, if you want to be happy, then make yourself happy, but shit, can't we all admit that sometimes that's fucking hard to do. I didn't wake up feeling like this but over the course of the morning, things happened that brought me down. I realize I have the power to change it but I would be lying if I said it's an easy task.

Little moments, insignificant comments, the smallest actions...so many things make me question a huge part of my life. And today I feel like the last nine years of my life was a lie. Irrational? Yes. But it's still the feeling that is overwhelming my body in this given moment. 

So while my brain is fully aware of the stages of grief and the fact that there is no timeline for each stage, you may visit some more than once, and you may stay in some longer than you'd like...I just wish I could be in the acceptance stage and get over it. Move on. Stop dwelling. 

And so I put on a shirt and will myself to believe it. Today it isn't working but maybe tomorrow it will.

But what if...

It’s crazy how a single off hand comment can immediately change the majority of your thoughts. How you can think you want something so bad, for the sake of someone else, but then feel completely gutted if it were to actually come to fruition.

Nothing has changed but for some reason a single comment made me reel with overwhelming emotions. Once again, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve been told time and time again to live in the moment, don’t stress about the future that hasn’t happened, what I’m stressing about may not even  happen, and the list goes on. But what if...

Truth is, I feel like if I don’t mentally prepare myself, when (if) the time comes I’ll fall apart.

Lately I have felt ok, not wonderful, but not terrible. I don’t feel overwhelmingly sad on a daily basis anymore and for that I am so thankful. Someone recently compared their life to groundhogs day, saying it’s the same, day in and day out, and that’s exactly how I feel. Like I’m stuck in a rut but instead of actively trying to get out of it, I just stay here. I stay in the stillness and monotony because I’m afraid of what’s next.

There are things I know I should do. I think they would improve my life, my feelings, my overall health...yet I don’t do them.

I wish I could come up with some good reason but the truth is, it would just be another excuse. So perhaps this is some form of self sabotage. Perhaps this is still mild depression that hasn’t left me yet. Perhaps it’s just all in my head tonight because of a single comment that derailed me.

Or perhaps it’s all of that.

Dissolution

Today has been an exceptionally hard day.

Starting with Landon having meltdown after meltdown this morning, being extremely aggressive, and not listening to a single word I said. Maintaining patience in these moments is difficult and necessary as I am fully aware yelling does nothing to get my point across to him but it takes every bone in my body to stay level headed in these moments.

After I dropped him off at school I thought I'd feel relieved but it didn't happen. Instead, I felt so off. I felt sad. I felt like I could have done something different to diffuse the bomb. I second-guessed my parenting. I wanted to go back to his school and make sure he was ok. But I just knew in my gut, today wasn't a great day.

Not even an hour later I got the email I've been dreading. I've known for awhile it was coming soon but I can honestly say, nothing prepared me for how I felt reading it.

"Good Morning, Meagan. Attached, please find the Decree of Dissolution of Marriage executed by the Court. This is the document that officially dissolves the marriage."

And just like that my world came crumbling down around me. The tears wouldn't stop. The pain in my chest got bigger and bigger with every breathe I took.

Some people feel relief when they finally reach the end. Some people want to party and celebrate their "freedom". I understand everyone responds differently, every situation is different. For me, it has ignited nothing but pure devastation down to my core. I don't feel relieved, I feel heartbroken, again. I don't want to party, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I don't want to think about it yet it's all-consuming.

The last six months have been the hardest of my life. I have not been shy to admit that I have been dealing with anxiety and depression. I am not ashamed of it because it just shows me how real this love was. At first, I was slightly embarrassed to say I was going through a divorce because it meant I failed. I have come to terms with things and know that if it were up to me I would have fought so much harder but two people need to be willing to fight for it. Two people need to WANT to make it work and I was on a one-way street on my own.

And while the pain is real and raw, I know I am worth so much more. I deserve a person who will never give up on me, on us. I deserve someone who will give me and my babies the world, not monetary, but the most precious and valuable thing of all- TIME. When it comes down to it, I AM WORTHY. Worthy of so much more.

This transition has been exhausting. Being a single parent isn't for the faint of heart. I am so thankful I have had so many people helping me but it doesn't diminish this pain.

So, for now, I will try my very best to appreciate the good times as much as I possibly can. I'll remember the people who walk away were never intended to stay. And it's ok that it hurts like hell right now, one day it won't. I will keep waiting for that one day.

Truth

Here's the truth-- I'm not ok.

I've spent the last few weeks in a place that feels so far from who I am. I go through the necessary motions to get through the day but often times I feel completely paralyzed. I sit on the couch watching my sweet girl learn something new, maybe it's clapping or waving hi or simply finding a new toy to marvel at, those beautiful moments that I try hard not to overlook, and I am fighting back tears. Not tears of joy. Not tears of "holy crap I made that beautiful child". Tears of pure devastation. Sadness. Pain. Anger. Frustration.

I choke back tears every single day. Everyone tells me it will get better, you'll move on, you'll be happy...the list goes on and on. I know all of this. I believe all of this. But right now, it's not better. I haven't moved on. And I'm sad. I'm fearful. I'm overwhelmed. I'm mad. I'm so many things but ok is not one of them.

Every email from my lawyer, every phone call, every instance I have to wrap my head around this being so real...it's paralyzing. I feel anxious every time I see something in regards to it. A few weeks ago I went to our first court hearing, I was told it wasn't a big deal, nothing to be scared of. They were correct, we were in and out in 10 minutes. But it was far from easy. It was reality smacking me in the face and saying 'honey, this ain't going away'. For those 10 minutes, I held my breath and begged myself not to lose it in front of everyone. I pleaded with my body to just keep it together for 30 more seconds, one more minute, as my hands trembled uncontrollably and shivers ran up and down my body making me shake ever so slightly. I cried the entire way home and only felt calm when I was able to snuggle my sweet girl and pick up my favorite boy and squeeze them until my heart felt somewhat whole again.

I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt about their future. How will they feel about this years from now? What will their relationship be like with him? Will they be resentful of this happening? Will they understand the pain I went through thinking of them? I don't want them to know that pain. I want them to understand it was hard but also know they are the reason I was able to get through it.

A few months ago I was taking the high road and talking about the self-discovery I'd make in 2019 but the reality is, I'm just getting by one step at a time. I don't want to live in this sadness because it's far from who I am. I'm an optimistic person who craves love and light and happiness and I'm so ready to be back there but I know in my heart it's going to take more time.

And please know, I don't write this for pity or sympathy, this is my outlet to release some of these pent up emotions. It's my way of sharing my authentic self. And because I know some of the people who read this will be concerned, also know I've seen a therapist and as soon as my Mama gets back in town I have an appointment to see her again. Because mental health is important and fuck the stigma of being embarrassed about needing or wanting help. I'm empowered by people who can openly say, this isn't me, I want to be and feel better, and then finding the resources to make a change.

So for those of you who may ask, "hey, how ya feeling today?"...be prepared for me to skip over the "doing ok" answer and giving you the nitty gritty, real, and raw truth. <3

The struggle is real.

This week has been hard. I'm not really sure why it's been so difficult for me but it has. It's the first time during all of life's craziness that I've actually felt depressed. I don't have the option to stay in bed and sulk but if I did, it very well might have happened. Instead, I've drudged through the days. I have been counting down the hours to bedtime. If I'm being perfectly honest, the tiny humans that I adore have been driving me crazy but I'm fully realizing it's not them...it's me. My mindset is so off and I can't shake it. Everything makes me want to cry or scream. The simplest things bring on tears. I feel like I've been doing so well and then I hit this wall and it's throwing me.

In the grand scheme of things, I know my problems are minuscule and others have it far worse than me...and realizing this just makes me feel guilty for sulking over nonsense. I'm learning to understand that often times there will always be someone in a worse position but that doesn't mean I can't be sad or hurt or whatever feeling I'm going through at that given time.

What I've had a hard time accepting is putting on a face for my kids. I know it's important for them to see real raw emotions and they do BUT when it comes time to interact with their Dad, I feel it's really important to have a positive relationship. So I put on a happy face and try to make it easy for all involved. It isn't easy. In fact, the days we interact as a 'family' are the days I want to crawl in bed immediately after putting E to bed because I feel so drained. My head knows this divorce thing is probably for the best but my heart hasn't caught up. I saw a quote the other day that broke me a little bit more..."Whoever loves you will never leave you, even if they have 100 reasons to give up. They will always find one reason to hold on" 

Accepting there wasn't even one reason for him to hold on...that hurts.

I was told I need to let go of the way I thought life would be. I need to let go of who I thought he would be, as a father, husband, partner. I need to let go of a lot of things but that is easier said than done.

Normally, I find a way to end things on a positive note but this time I'm just sad. I know it's ok to not be ok but here's the deal...I don't want to feel "not ok". I don't want to be this shell of a person. I don't want to feel overwhelmingly frustrated when my kid spills a drink. I don't want to cry when the nugget refuses to nap. I don't want to get mad at my sweet boy just because I can't cope with my own feelings. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy all the little moments with them and I feel like this week I haven't been able to do that. This week I'm struggling.

Word of the year

It baffles me how one day I feel like I got this...I can handle it all. And then the next I feel like I'm drowning again. It's all so overwhelming.

I was thinking the other night about how people think of their "word of the year". I've never done it before because...well probably because I'm too lazy to put that much effort in dictating what my year will be 🤣 I'm usually one to just let things happen and go with the flow of it all. Picking one word seemed like I was closing myself off to the possibilities. I realize it's just a word but the sentiment behind it is more than that. As I was lying in bed letting my mind race, I thought maybe narrowing it down to one word would be beneficial for me because it could allow me to focus on making this one thing tangible versus letting my mind bounce from topic to topic and stress out over little (& big) things.

So as I thought about it, the one that always came to mind was 'SURVIVE'. In my current situation, it seems obvious, surviving the next year, surviving the storm I'm currently facing. But it just seemed too obvious of a choice. If I'm going to do this, I need to do it with full conviction and get in-depth with my word choice. 

Lately, I've been feeling duped, like I've been fooled. I was with someone for nine years and now I feel like I don't know that person. Some days I feel like I am left with a shell of a person when we interact. It's incredibly sad and disappointing and so I feel like a fool, it's taken a lot of thinking to realize I am far from it. Allowing someone so intimately into your life is not foolish, it's brave. Vulnerability is scary and can lead to pain but it can also lead to so much happiness. Isn't that the purpose of life, to let people in, to cultivate beautiful relationships so you aren't walking through it alone. I tend to be an open book once you get to know me and I'm coming to terms that it's not my job to get someone else to be vulnerable and willing to share their deepest desires, hopes, dreams, and fears. That has to happen on their own accord.

But that got me thinking...you truly don't know anyone but yourself. And even then, some people go through life not even really knowing themselves. While I feel like I have a good idea of the person I am, who I want to be, I feel like there is always room to figure out more. To learn more about myself.

With that being said, I've decided my word for 2019 will be...drum roll...

DISCOVER

It will be a year to discover more about myself, diving into my strengths and weaknesses. Discovering what's next. Discovering a new job. Discovering a new way of life. Discovering new places. Discovering new friendships. Discovering a new norm. Discovering my purpose for the future. 

We might be a few months into the year but this right here, this is my new beginning. Here's to discovering a world of endless possibilities. 

Taking it all in

I’m asked regularly how I’m doing. I suppose that’s the easiest question to ask someone when they’re going through a bunch of shit. Most of the time my reply is “I’m alright, doing the best I can considering the circumstances.” And most of the time that answer is true.

But some days I want to say I’m angry. Some days I want to say I’m terribly sad. Some days I want to say I’m beyond happy. Because the truth is, every single day I feel different. Some days I wake up so happy and by the end of the day it’s taking everything in me to hold back tears. I know that’s all normal and I know I have so many people that I can be brutally honest with and sometimes I am. But sometimes it’s just easier to say “I’m alright, doing the best I can considering the circumstances.”

Today I took a drive out to Breckenridge to pick up an art piece we ordered months ago. I think I cried 3/4 of the drive there, every song made my eyes fill up. It wasn’t necessarily all sad tears, although there were some, but more of a release of so many emotions. I’ve held it together lately but this drive, picking up a piece we’ve both been wanting for awhile, knowing only one of us will enjoy it— seems so silly but it just hurt my heart.

It didn’t help that I was completely alone with my thoughts and that usually stirs up a bunch of crazy emotions. Most of the time I have my babies with me and I try not to fall apart too much with them around because I want them to be filled with happiness and laughter and love as often as possible.

Today I decided to stop and take it all in. On top of my car, breathing in the fresh mountain air, taking in the beauty that surrounds me, I’m trying to remind myself that this life I’m living is the only one I got. It’s going to be hard some days and easy others but every single day it’s going to be exactly how it’s supposed to be. I’m trying so hard to let go of the ‘this is how life SHOULD be’ mentality and realize this is what my life IS so enjoy the hell out of it every chance I get. They say the hardest times bring you to the greatest joy. So I’m maintaining faith, it will all be worth it in the end.

Finding a new norm

It only took 6 days for my world to be turned completely upside down. 

At first it was surreal and I thought it would all go back to normal given a little bit of time. Things have been up and down but never ever did I think it was this down. We could fix this. We could work it all out and be better. But it didn't go back to normal and six days later I stood in a closet half empty.

My marriage is over. The life I’ve known for the last 9 years has quickly come to a screeching halt. 

It’s an odd feeling with you hit ‘rock bottom’ or at least what you think is rock bottom. Just a week before my 'rock bottom' we told my in-laws that our marriage was over. We had a trip to see them planned for months, it wasn't fair for them to lose the chance of meeting their newest grandbaby and spend time with my sweet boy. So I mustered up all my strength and went solo. Overall the trip was lovely, nothing changed as far as their love for me and vice versa and a huge weight was lifted off of me once I realized we were still family. But there was a moment when I was laying on the floor of their house after a shitty day, like legit both kiddos had diarrhea. L vomited everywhere, E was a cranky disaster and I was beyond exhausted, physically, mentally, & emotionally. This trip wasn’t supposed to be done solo but that’s what my reality turned into. So there I was laying on the floor, outside of the room I just put E to sleep in, she starts screaming almost immediately after getting her down. I’m on the floor outside the door incapable of moving. My head pounding, my heart racing and I was paralyzed with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of doing this day in and day out on my own. Fear of how my kids will respond to all of this. Fear of basically everything. And heartbroken. I barely got through the day, how in the hell will I get through what’s to come...

Here's the thing, I know I will (eventually) be ok. I know there will be ups and downs. I know I have a whole lot of shit to get through in the coming weeks, months, maybe even years but right now I just have to get through the days. Maybe the rock bottom I hit a few days ago was just a brief moment in time and I'll have a different meltdown another day. Maybe things will only go up from here. I guess time will tell...

For now, I will do everything in my power to make sure my babies are raised in a home with more love then they can imagine. I want them to have their safe place where they can tackle all the big emotions- happy, sad, mad, and everything in between. They will see me cry, they will know I'm hurting BUT overall they will see me pick myself up day in and day out and fill life with positivity and gratefulness. 

I’m choosing to try and find the best in every day. I’m trying to wake up with joy in my heart and let go of the fear in my stomach. 

For now, I will take it a day at a time and figure out a new normal. 

My favorite fireman

Every year I have this overwhelming need to stay awake on this particular night. So many parts of me want to just drift off to sleep and gracefully move past the wee hours in the morning when four years ago I held his hand for the last time. But my heart and my mind just won't let my body do it. Maybe it's my way of truly remembering the pain, as well as the relief. That sounds negative but it's far from it. When my Dad passed I felt a huge weight lifted for one simple reason, he wasn't in pain anymore. For years he suffered physically but the mental toll Parkinson's took was far worse to watch. So in the early morning hours as we gathered around him saying our goodbyes, he finally escaped the discomfort and found relief.

On January 6, 2015, I lost family members due to their callous disregard for others. On January 7, 2015, I lost my Dad. Two days, two significant changes in my life. One taught me the true meaning of family while the other taught me how grateful I am for life and beautiful memories.

Four years have come and gone and while some days are easy, others are far from it. Today is one of them.

I miss so much about him but what makes my heart hurt the most is him never having the chance to meet his grandbabies. But I can happily say Landon knows who his Pop Pop is and will casually bring him up in conversation. Just the other day he said "Mama, Everly is wearing firetruck pjs because Pop Pop in heaven was a fireman! That is so cool!"

So to my favorite fireman, here's to you flying high, pain-free, and knowing how much you are loved and missed <3