I read that message over and over again in complete disbelief. I had a full-blown panic attack while driving shortly after reading that message. I've gotten over many things in the last year but I'm fairly certain it will take me a lot longer to get over the fact that my 9 year relationship and marriage was ended via a fucking text message. Cowardly move but hey, at least it's a shock and awe story to tell. haha
The last year has been an absolute whirlwind. I've never imagined dealing with so many emotions, so much pain, so much fear, and so many freakin tears. Honestly, they were endless and it was really annoying.
I can't say any of that is completely gone but in the last month, I have felt a shift in myself. I feel lighter, even though I've happily gained some weight 😜. My mindset has shifted. I approach each day with more gratitude and mindfulness. I'm learning to let go of anger and resentment. Talking to different people has allowed me to see different perspectives and approach life with a new demeanor. And time has helped me heal the parts of me that were completely shattered.
I won't pretend that every day is great but lately I have been feeling genuine happiness and that brings the sweetest relief.
A huge part of me still deals with the emotional baggage of feeling like I can never romantically trust someone again. I still feel like we (me and the kids) were in a sense abandoned, and learning to move past those emotions is going to take a lot more time.
I had it set in my mind that I was going to go back to work as soon as I graduated from school in August...but then I put it off a month, then another month, and eventually the rest of the year. Now looking back, I'm so thankful I did. I've applied for tons of jobs since the beginning of January and I have been rejected from the majority of them minus this last one I interviewed for (fingers crossed this yields better results). Had these rejections come in the fall, it would have been a huge blow to my mental health. I wasn't strong enough then. But now, I'm proud of the steps I've taken to learn to protect my mental health. Don't get me wrong, the rejection emails certainly didn't feel good BUT now I have the ability to say "hey, it's ok...it wasn't meant to be and something better is on the horizon". Growth!
There are times I still can't believe this is how my life is. Every now and then I'll throw myself a pity party. I still feel the occasional sting of embarrassment when I say I'm divorced. Maybe more time will help all of that subside but overall, I'm learning to become thankful for this experience. I'm realizing my worth. I'm beginning to understand that I deserve so much better than the marriage I was in. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I think I'm beginning to agree. I don't hate the man I was with and I appreciate many memories and obviously my incredible children, but I haven't learned how to forgive him yet. Some days I think I have and then something simple happens and I'm reminded that I'm not there yet and I'm coming to terms with being ok with that. I'll get there one day and I'll keep working on it until I reach that point but right now my only concern is protecting my mental health, my heart, and my babies.
I know this year might be just as hard as the last. I know I still have plenty of changes coming my way. But I also know I am capable of handling it all...with a little help from my incredible family and friends. 💗 To those of you who have reached out to me over the last year, from the bottom of my heart-- THANK YOU!
So here I am, a year later, finally feeling like I'm finding myself again, most days my head is completely above water and I don't feel like I'm drowning. Last year I said my word of the year would be 'discover' and while I didn't live up to my original definition and spin on the word, I can happily say I discovered my strength.
