Here's the truth-- I'm not ok.
I've spent the last few weeks in a place that feels so far from who I am. I go through the necessary motions to get through the day but often times I feel completely paralyzed. I sit on the couch watching my sweet girl learn something new, maybe it's clapping or waving hi or simply finding a new toy to marvel at, those beautiful moments that I try hard not to overlook, and I am fighting back tears. Not tears of joy. Not tears of "holy crap I made that beautiful child". Tears of pure devastation. Sadness. Pain. Anger. Frustration.
I choke back tears every single day. Everyone tells me it will get better, you'll move on, you'll be happy...the list goes on and on. I know all of this. I believe all of this. But right now, it's not better. I haven't moved on. And I'm sad. I'm fearful. I'm overwhelmed. I'm mad. I'm so many things but ok is not one of them.
Every email from my lawyer, every phone call, every instance I have to wrap my head around this being so real...it's paralyzing. I feel anxious every time I see something in regards to it. A few weeks ago I went to our first court hearing, I was told it wasn't a big deal, nothing to be scared of. They were correct, we were in and out in 10 minutes. But it was far from easy. It was reality smacking me in the face and saying 'honey, this ain't going away'. For those 10 minutes, I held my breath and begged myself not to lose it in front of everyone. I pleaded with my body to just keep it together for 30 more seconds, one more minute, as my hands trembled uncontrollably and shivers ran up and down my body making me shake ever so slightly. I cried the entire way home and only felt calm when I was able to snuggle my sweet girl and pick up my favorite boy and squeeze them until my heart felt somewhat whole again.
I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt about their future. How will they feel about this years from now? What will their relationship be like with him? Will they be resentful of this happening? Will they understand the pain I went through thinking of them? I don't want them to know that pain. I want them to understand it was hard but also know they are the reason I was able to get through it.
A few months ago I was taking the high road and talking about the self-discovery I'd make in 2019 but the reality is, I'm just getting by one step at a time. I don't want to live in this sadness because it's far from who I am. I'm an optimistic person who craves love and light and happiness and I'm so ready to be back there but I know in my heart it's going to take more time.
And please know, I don't write this for pity or sympathy, this is my outlet to release some of these pent up emotions. It's my way of sharing my authentic self. And because I know some of the people who read this will be concerned, also know I've seen a therapist and as soon as my Mama gets back in town I have an appointment to see her again. Because mental health is important and fuck the stigma of being embarrassed about needing or wanting help. I'm empowered by people who can openly say, this isn't me, I want to be and feel better, and then finding the resources to make a change.
So for those of you who may ask, "hey, how ya feeling today?"...be prepared for me to skip over the "doing ok" answer and giving you the nitty gritty, real, and raw truth. <3
