At first it was surreal and I thought it would all go back to normal given a little bit of time. Things have been up and down but never ever did I think it was this down. We could fix this. We could work it all out and be better. But it didn't go back to normal and six days later I stood in a closet half empty.
My marriage is over. The life I’ve known for the last 9 years has quickly come to a screeching halt.
It’s an odd feeling with you hit ‘rock bottom’ or at least what you think is rock bottom. Just a week before my 'rock bottom' we told my in-laws that our marriage was over. We had a trip to see them planned for months, it wasn't fair for them to lose the chance of meeting their newest grandbaby and spend time with my sweet boy. So I mustered up all my strength and went solo. Overall the trip was lovely, nothing changed as far as their love for me and vice versa and a huge weight was lifted off of me once I realized we were still family. But there was a moment when I was laying on the floor of their house after a shitty day, like legit both kiddos had diarrhea. L vomited everywhere, E was a cranky disaster and I was beyond exhausted, physically, mentally, & emotionally. This trip wasn’t supposed to be done solo but that’s what my reality turned into. So there I was laying on the floor, outside of the room I just put E to sleep in, she starts screaming almost immediately after getting her down. I’m on the floor outside the door incapable of moving. My head pounding, my heart racing and I was paralyzed with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of doing this day in and day out on my own. Fear of how my kids will respond to all of this. Fear of basically everything. And heartbroken. I barely got through the day, how in the hell will I get through what’s to come...
Here's the thing, I know I will (eventually) be ok. I know there will be ups and downs. I know I have a whole lot of shit to get through in the coming weeks, months, maybe even years but right now I just have to get through the days. Maybe the rock bottom I hit a few days ago was just a brief moment in time and I'll have a different meltdown another day. Maybe things will only go up from here. I guess time will tell...
For now, I will do everything in my power to make sure my babies are raised in a home with more love then they can imagine. I want them to have their safe place where they can tackle all the big emotions- happy, sad, mad, and everything in between. They will see me cry, they will know I'm hurting BUT overall they will see me pick myself up day in and day out and fill life with positivity and gratefulness.
I’m choosing to try and find the best in every day. I’m trying to wake up with joy in my heart and let go of the fear in my stomach.
For now, I will take it a day at a time and figure out a new normal.
Thank you my friend. I am so beyond blessed with the very best support system so no matter what the days ahead look like, I’m going to be ok because of people like YOU! Thank you for always being there for the good & bad. Love you so much!
ReplyDeleteMeagan, no words really seem right except to say I will be praying for you and your family. You are so right some days might even need to be taken one hour at a time but you my sweet, strong, amazing friend, you've this.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. The prayers, love & support are appreciated more than you can imagine. ❤️
DeleteAfter my son I realized how amazing and strong women/we are. We may not be our best selves sometimes, we will struggle but the way Moms love their kids is indiscribable. Whenever life gets tough, I always think, it could be worse. I’m here today let’s focus on today. THen focus on tomorrow, tomorrow. Also, when I was doing it alone for 1.8 months with Connor, frozen food was my go to for him. I was too exhausted after every day to cook! So, take some short cuts, it’s ok! And always take help when it’s offered!. Joining mom groups helped too. Cry when u want to cry and pray for you’re future. Going to counselng from day 1 helped me. I talked it all out, vented and she helped guide me. Let me know if u need anything. You’re not alone, you haven’t failed! Many moms have been there or are there! You got this! One day you’ll look back and say “damn how did I do it!? I’m awesome” . Take time for mourning as this is a huge change, then pick our pretty ass up and know that every day will get better, the pain will diminish and life will get easier! Be happy, date, don’t date, eat popcorn and watch a movie solo! Make new friends, enjoy life..... the skies the limit when you’re single! God has such an amazing plan, today u may not see it, but you will and then it will all makes sense. ❤️ Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this sweet comment. I know it’s going to be tough but I also know I’m tougher and will get through it. Thankfully these tiny humans bring so much joy to my heart so while some days suck and crying is inevitable, i know I can count on them for the sweetest snuggles and love to bring me back up. Mamas are definitely the strongest people around and having the support from so many people makes it easier ❤️
DeleteWow Meagan! I wish i knew the right words to tell you but I honestly don’t know what to say except that I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m actually in the middle of a divorce and it’s hard. He’s moved on and so have I... slowly but i still have my breakdowns. As a matter of fact I was literally just on my couch having a much needed cry an hour ago! Lol. We’re strong women but that doesn’t mean things don’t hurt. We’re going to have our days and it’s perfectly normal but with time it will all get easier. Everyday is a new battle but I’ve learned so much about myself since I’ve become a single mom and you will learn your way as well. Know that you have someone to talk to if you need it. Stay strong my dear and know that you aren’t alone!! ���� Venice
ReplyDeleteOh Venice, I'm sorry you're battling this as well. It's such a trying time in our lives but it certainly will make us stronger than we ever realized we could be. Thank you for your sweet message. So much love being sent your way <3
DeleteI will always see you as that bubbly upbeat girl I met years ago. It will be tough but you will make it. Saw you with two very sick babies just keep going. You are a very tough girl. You will make it. My best wishes and love.
ReplyDeleteMy bubbly and upbeat self isn't going anywhere. It might be buried a little deeper some days but I'm confident that I'll come out of this with an even more positive outlook on life. I'm all about living, learning, and making life better than it was before! Thank you for your kind words, best wishes and all the love <3 It is so appreciated.
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